Hearing that you smell really stinks. If somebody wrinkles their nose and tells you it’s time for a shower, or subtly slides a mint your way, you might become defensive.
Yet that’s not the best way to proceed. “The first thing you should do is thank them,” says Sara Jane Ho, an etiquette expert and host of Netflix’s Mind Your Manners. Gratitude? For insulting your hygiene? That’s right. “Every time somebody tells you something, 50 people are thinking it but didn’t tell you,” Ho says. Hence the importance of uttering those two little words: thank you.
Instead of stewing over the remark, reframe it as an opportunity for self-improvement, Ho advises. It’s essential not to take the feedback personally—though she acknowledges that’s easier said than done. “This is when you really see a difference between an insecure person and a secure person, because secure people don’t take critical feedback personally to their core,” she says. Those who struggle with insecurity, meanwhile, tend to get defensive, sometimes lashing out at whoever brought up their hygiene. Building self-esteem, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional advice can help.
Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists
Like Ho, etiquette coach Akilah Siti Easter touts the power of saying “thank you” in response to hygiene feedback. If someone lets her know she might want to brush her teeth, “I actually tell them I appreciate that,” she says. “Thanks for not letting me embarrass myself in front of more people, you know?” Easter considers the fact that the person felt comfortable approaching her a sign of close friendship. “They’re trying to protect me as I’m engaging with other people,” she says. “So I say ‘thank you so much,’ and I’ll probably go rinse my mouth.”
Easter is teaching her daughter to accept and appreciate suggestions about hygiene, too. She often asks her: “Hey, does mommy’s breath stink?” Or, if the two just worked out together, she might say: “Mommy stinks, doesn’t she?” “I’m letting her know that I’m comfortable and aware of my body, so she feels she can reciprocate that,” Easter says. That way, her daughter will grow up feeling confident both initiating and receiving feedback. “People really don’t know to be embarrassed by things until other people tell them to be embarrassed,” she says. “And sometimes, you don’t have to be embarrassed.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
